It's so easy to hang out with your friends when you're upset. It's so easy to get help, because everyone wants to help you.

Unfortunately, what I need is not advice. It's nothing that anyone else can figure out, it's not anything that can be fixed by another person. I have to fix it myself...and I have to be ok with not being able to fix it, which is likely the case.

It's so easy to say "well, just change how you think about this." But I can't. I can try...but sometimes the harder you try to not something, the harder it is to actually not do it. So what is the balance? What is the point where you can say "I need help from my friends, I need to not be alone" and when is the time when it's ok to be upset and alone if it helps you figure things out?

I want to have friends, and to have fun. But those things are temporary. Friendships only mask the symptoms, they don't cure the emptiness from someone who isn't happy.

It's so hard, because I want to ask for advice. I want to say "Hey, what can I do to make this better" even though I know the answer. But that's just putting off solving the problems.

So if I don't talk to you, it's not that I don't want or need your friendship. It's that I can't have friends and fix the problems at the same time. There's no point in succeeding if failing feels good too, right?

How do you know?

How do you know when you've made the right choice?

Now I have time to practice...to hang out with my friends...to do my homework...to have time to myself.

Now, I don't have to worry about making someone else happy. I don't have to plan my life around someone else's life plan. I don't have to pretend to feel things that I don't. I don't have to be dependent on someone else.

But the problem is that there are so many things I'm going to miss.

I'm going to miss calling him when I'm sad, or excited, or just want someone to chat to.

I'm going to miss having someone to call me when he's excited about something.

I'm going to miss his advice...his friendship...his love.

I'm going to miss someone loving me unconditionally.

I'm going to miss arguing with him.

I'm going to miss watching family guy with him, and falling asleep on the couch with him.

I'm going to miss calling him pillow, and holding his hand.

I'm going to miss playing with his hair, and I'm going to miss him taking me to dinner.

I'm going to miss him cooking with me.

I'm going to miss talking about marching band with him.

I'm going to miss giving him advice.

I'm going to miss him.

I don't know what to do now.

Did I make the wrong choice?

I wish I had some presence. In everything.

There are some people you just want to be like. They have that natural "thing" that makes them a good teacher, or a good player, or a good "whatever" that makes them better than everyone else.

I guess I just don't have a natural "playing presence". I'm too quiet, or I just don't have enough intensity, or something like that. I just don't really understand what "presence" is, though. Maybe someone can explain this phrase to me...

"You played the snot out of that Variants, but you didn't have the presence that you need to pull it off."

Doesn't that mean that I didn't really play "the snot" out of the song? I don't know, I guess I just wish that I had natural abilities like some of my friends. I know people that don't practice a bit that sound AMAZING...and as much as I practice, I still don't have "presence." Dang it!

It's one of those intangibles, ya know? Like - Steve Parker is a great teacher because he's Steve Parker. His personality, his confidence, his natural musicality - he's a great teacher. It looks like he doesn't even have to work for it. He might, but he has that natural ability to get in front of everyone and to be coherant and make things better. He's only a few years older than me, but he's light years ahead in his teaching ability, and it's something that I'm probably never going to catch up to. And I know you shouldn't compare yourself to other, yeah, I've heard it a billion times, but at the same time, I'm ALWAYS watching my teachers to figure out what it is that makes them good teachers, so that I can borrow and use their techniques when I teach. The best  way for me to improve as a teacher, besides actually teaching, is to watch and imitate and adapt other great teachers styles and make them my own.

The problem is that I can't figure out the intangibles.

Lots of people say that I need to work on my self-confidence, blah blah blah. But how you can work on self-confidence when you see the best and brightest teachers there are, when you hear amazing musicians, and you can see that they have a natural, intangible quality that you don't possess?

Maybe I'm making too much of this - maybe they have to work just as hard I as do to be good at what they do, maybe they're just better at hiding it. I guess I should work on that. But it's really frustrating to know that there are some things that you can do nothing about - there is a level of proficiency that I will never reach, because everything that I have is there from lots of work. I don't have natural ability, I just practice a lot.

There's a point where natural ability is the only thing that takes you to the next level, and it's frustrating the heck out of me. I'm going to keep practicing, but...it's kind of like, why bother, when I'm not going to make a difference anyway? I'm not really contributing to the sound, so what's the point?

I guess I'm just frustrated that I spent an entire semester working on a song,and it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that I played the right notes and rhythms with style and musicality...because I just don't have that "presence," that natural musical  ability to instill passion and life into a performance. That's not something that can be learned, I don't think...so what can I do about it? Continue to play, to work hard, to spend my life in the practice room...when it's only going to end up mediocre, despite the effort put into it?

Gah. I need to go to sleep, I'm too frustrated and this is going downhill fast. I just wish that hard work was worth as much as natural ability and I wish that musicality was more important than being able to play loud. But that's just me, I guess.

Not gonna lie, I hate that guy

Apparently facebook is not a safe venue...(not that this ever was)...but I have to say this.

I hate that man. He is the biggest jerk and the absolute WORST teacher I have ever known. He lacks passion for everything but himself. A teacher without passion can't teach. Or at least, he can't teach more than notes and rhythms. I don't doubt his music teaching abilities, because I know that it's a lot harder to teach music than it looks. But I do doubt his ability to teach students how to be decent human beings.

Example...for those of you who respect him so much...here is one reason I have no respect for him.

We're hosting a concert band festival, and therefore have the ability to choose the sight reading. He comes up to me giggling, telling me that we're going to do great on the sight reading portion - he picked a song we'd been playing in class for a month! 5 minutes later, I finally got up the courage to go to his office and tell him that this was a terrible idea, that cheating at a festival like this is wrong and immoral, and he tells me "Not if no one finds out." Are you kidding me? Seriously? It's ok to cheat as long as you don't get caught? I kept bugging him about it, and he changed the piece we were sight reading...after telling me that it was my fault if we didn't make it to state, because we would have a better chance if we cheated on the sight reading. Real motivational...what a great teacher.

Example...

1st marching rehearsal of 01. The band is on the field, the drum majors are done setting everything up...and no director in sight. After throwing together some mass sectionals and searching desperately for Mr. P, who hadn't told any of us that he had a conflict that night...we find him in his office, playing solitaire, waiting for the parent meeting. Are you kidding me? Not that it's bad to go to a parent meeting...but to expect your student staff to run rehearsal for a few hours by themselves, without letting them know about it until 45 minutes into rehearsal?

Example...

Rookie camp 2000. After admitting fully that he's new at the whole marching band thing and he doesn't really know how to teach it or do it...he doesn't bother to see us teach it. He lets his student teacher and his student staff do everything. Which was good, because we knew what we were doing. But wouldn't you think that if you didn't know anything about something that you were going to have to teach, you would attempt to learn something about it? I mean, he had to be there anyways to open the room...wouldn't it make sense to just follow them outside and watch? Would that be expecting too much that the actual teacher come outside to learn the process? The bad part is that he admitted not knowing anything about marching, and didn't even bother to show up to learn about it. And what was he doing? Playing on his computer in his office. While all of his students were learning how to march, he was inside playing games.

Example...

Student staff auditions 02 and 03. Didn't bother to help out. Told me and my brother to run everything, to teach them how to call commands, how to march, how to audition, etc. Failed to mention that he was going to completely change the interview to be trite and meaningless. Like...instead of asking "why do you want this position?", he would ask things like "if you could be 3 objects, what would you be?" How exactly does that help you find a good drum major or section leader? Maybe if you were a great educational psychologist, or something along those lines, questions like this would help...but he's not. See the next example, for questions on that. Anyways...the auditions didn't matter. They were pretty much a waste of time...but not too much time, because he refused to ask any real questions in interviews. He didn't make some people play, because he said "oh, well I like you, so I know you would have played well. Just don't tell anyone." Again, morals? It's ok to play favoritism? Preparation doesn't count for anything? Yeah, he teaches "real good". (and yes, english majors, I intentionally used incorrect grammar...)

Example...

State 2006. His students are cheering, excited to be at state. Nothing is going on in the competition, they're just waiting for awards. From the back of the band comes a growl, saying "Shut up and stop it! You're EMBARRASING us!" Is that really the best way to deal with that situation? Honestly...if you want them to stop, talk to them in person. Get off your butt and go talk to them. How does that teach them ANYTHING? All that says is "I'm grumpy, you should shut up." If you have a good reason for them to not do it...then teach them why. Because I know FOR SURE that they had no idea why what they were doing was embarrassing. I sure as heck don't - most bands at state do that, and I don't really see how that's a problem. But if you have a philosophical issue with them cheering, and you don't want them to do it in the future, then you need to get off your butt and explain to them why. If they don't know the reason they are being punished, aka they don't recognize that the behavior they were exhibiting was wrong, they are going to continue the behavior that you are trying to stop. Educational Psychology is part of the education program for a reason...as much as I hate that class, I'm glad for the few things I've learned in there.

Tell me again why I should have respect for this man?

Actually, don't...I'm going to disable comments. I don't want your opinion, because this is how I feel and this is how I will always feel. I cannot respect someone who has no passion for what he does. I can't respect someone who made me want to quit music. And I definitely can't respect someone who continually kills any enthusiasm or passion for something that they should be creating enthusiasm and passion for. Why anyone would look up to this man as a teacher...I will never know.

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